Who cares?
Who cares?
If you’ve found yourself here, you’re probably wondering why I've started this blog.
I have kept a diary for years and my vanity has continuously gotten in the way. Why am I writing my way through these passages of life when they will never fall into anyones hands but my own?
Why are these the confessions of a tap dancing clown?
I've named my blog this way as it represents the way that I behave in society. I feel as if I am constantly putting on a show. I’m talented and I work hard to be seen yet what I am portraying to the public is often a coverup, distracting my audience from who I truly am, and what I truly am thinking.
Lately, my thoughts and feelings have been so muddled and heavy that it feels like such a burden to leave them there without dissecting them and picking apart the inner workings of my mind.
As a chronic overthinker, my thoughts are constantly messy and I'm known for being overly dramatic about the slightest changes.
Excerpts from my diary throughout the years:
(names have been changed to alice in wonderland characters to respect the privacy of my past private affairs)
April 10th, 2023 (21 years old), 9:08pm
I did what everyone had been asking me to do and I asked the hatter where she saw our relationship going and it could not have gone worse. She kept saying that she doesn’t know what she wants and that she needs to focus on herself. I have been crying for over 24 hours. I asked her if she wants to continue how we are, continue seeing each other but as friends or cut contact completely and she didn't say anything. She sat there in silence. That basically gave me my answer without any words having to be said. She kept saying it wasn’t fair of her to keep seeing me when we want different things. I knew at that moment that the thing she didn't want was me. She wasn’t even fighting to keep me in her life. Everything hurts so much. When I brought up the subject I really did not think that it would end up going this way. I truly think I must be delusional because I did not see this coming at all. When the hatter left, I called my mum to come home and she held me as I cried, it was so awful. I have never felt this broken. I really don’t think I can be happy without her in my life, I have become so used to the feeling of her next to me. Everything in my bedroom reminds me of all the time we spent together. I truly thought that we were perfect for each other.
As I've been writing this, she has asked to see me.
I really don’t want to be hurt all over again, it was soul crushing. I know that it's wrong of me to get my hopes up in this situation but it's hard not to, it seems so promising. I want to see her and I want her to hold me. I want her to wish me good morning and good night. I want her to rub my back and play with my hair. I just want her here with me. I wish I had never started the ‘what are we’ conversation that ruined it all.
September 14th, 2023 (21 years old), 8:50am
A lot has happened since I last wrote down the tangled thoughts in my mind. The hatter ended things with me in the worst way possible. I might write about it here one day but today is not that day. I have been in quite a deep depression for the last month, I truly did not expect to make it out alive. I wasn't wanting to create art or do anything that made me happy. Everyone has been so supportive but the only person who could save me and pull me out of this hole was myself and I think that I am slowly getting there. Each day is getting a little bit better. I think that I am going to be okay.
Alice is going to Canada next week for over a month. I am going to miss her so much and I hope I'll be okay without her.
July 11th, 2024 (22 years old), 3:08pm
Life update: Alice is officially gone. She left almost a week ago to move in with her girlfriend in Canada for a whole year. I already miss her so much but I am so proud of her for making the move and she is finally going to be able to live the life she deserves.
Although I am entirely sad she's gone, Alice hasn’t left me completely alone. I matched with a girl named the white rabbit on hinge. When we officially met in person, we talked for what felt like hours upon hours and since meeting we have now not spent more than 48 hours apart. We are so mutually obsessed with each other. I’ve never been able to experience the feeling of someone being infatuated with me in the way that I am with them. I’ve met all of her friends and even her mum, they all seem so lovely and it's obvious the type of company she keeps says a lot about her (that she's lovely). I truly was not looking for anything serious but this has really just fallen into place. The only con to the white rabbit is that she is leaving in a few months. I am honestly so worried but I am really enjoying her company and something really feels different about this. I feel it so unbelievably deep down.
September 29th, 2024 (22 years old), 7:19pm
My heart was broken. In the moment I was so in shock, I pretended that I understood where the white rabbit was coming from. She wanted to be able to have fun without me. I tried so hard to make this relationship work because I know how much I love her. I feel so alone and I have no one to talk to about it. I just wish my Alice was here, she would be able to help me.
I truly believe nothing in my life will ever work out. I opened myself up in ways I never thought that I would be able to, she just made me feel so loved and so comfortable. It absolutely kills me how disposable I am to people when I try to give them my all. I even told the white rabbit I would go with her. I feel like such an idiot. This was the first time I thought that my love was reciprocated the same amount and I was so undoubtedly wrong. I couldn’t see myself not being with her and she is so ready to give me up and let me go.
The bad in my life has been outweighing the good. My life felt so amazing, I finally saw a future for myself and I was having the best time. I was surrounded by love and in the span of a few minutes, it was stripped away from me.
The only thing keeping me going was my trip to see my Alice and now it's gone, I have nothing. This is entirely impossible.
The white rabbit is taking a week to put her thoughts together. Now I have to spend the next week wondering if I'm good enough to hold onto or not. I know what the answer will be and I know that I am just elongating the hurt. If she wanted to be with me she would have already said so. It shouldn’t be this hard to love me.
I held it together really well at work today but as soon as I got home I broke down. At least this time I actually made it into my bed before melting into a puddle of tears. I wish I was the kind of girl that didn’t care this much. I give my all to people who just do not want anything to do with me. I feel so sick. Sick of myself, sick of my life, and sick of giving everyone every single piece of me, letting them get to know the inner most darkest parts of me and my anxiety and then getting tossed aside like I am not even worth another second of their time. I know it only hurts so much because I am so deeply in love with her but I want to scream at her. I am so angry. I want to scream, I want to break things. I really should have seen this coming but I am an idiot.
I am so embarrassed by how desperate I am. I wish that one day I will find a love that is doubtless.
Back to present day clowning around:
Now that I've given you a bit of insight into the extreme dramatics of my mind, I hope you are ready for what's to come.
I like to think that I have grown emotionally since those diary entries, but what can I say, I'm just a girl.
I'm a girl who feels. I feel so deeply and there is no need for me to feel ashamed about it.
My goal for my life is to put less focus onto my romantic relationships and endeavors and to focus on myself and where I am going.
If I am not wanted, I am not deserved.
A note for the many other tap dancing clowns out there:
Let them see you.
Remove your tap shoes and Let them see what's under the mask.
